Today was a rough day. I woke up with two incredibly cranky kids who didn't sleep well the night before, and for some reason or another clung to me like little koala bears on tree branches. I caved and skipped my first two classes, which is something I avoid at all costs. School is expensive after all, so I want to get the most out of it (wow I sound so grown up!). But my babies needed me today, and as always, I will drop whatever is necessary for them.
I did eventually remove the koala toddlers (they were easily swayed with an extravagant lunch made by Daddy) and headed in for work and my once a week biomechanics lab. Got to school only to find that the lab report I spent hours on the day before wouldn't print out at the computer lab . My file, emailed to myself and backed up on a junk drive, was "corrupt". I have no earthly idea what that means in the computer world, but I'll tell you what it means in my world: I had to show up to class WITHOUT my lab report. Furthermore, I had to give the lame ass reason that "the printer didn't work" making me look like a) a slacker and b) a procrastinator for waiting until the last minute. So maybe the later was the truth, but I still hated it.
Motherhood: 1 Heather: 0
This evening my school hosted an informational session about the upcoming triathlon. The USAT coach hosting the meeting was very informative. At one point, as could be expected, the topic of Ironman distance races came up, along with the incredible amount of training they require. Without any hesitation, the coach looked at the classroom full of young college kids and said "but if any of you want to do an Ironman, now is the time in your life to do it" along with something about having a lot of free time, blah blah blah.
Bam, there goes the reality truck, in the LAST place I was expecting it. Knocked me right down.
I may be an idiot for having this obsession with finishing an Ironman when I've never done a triathlon period, but I'm not an idiot when it comes to realizing how much of a HUGE time commitment training for one is. But in the back of my head, I've always had the the idea that it's not impossible. Nothing is impossible. It seems there is always a story of a new mom out there training away and finishing an Ironman with a smile on her face and her cute little toddlers crossing the finish line by her side. There is no reason I can't be one of them.
But lately, I've been struggling with guilt. Guilt of two types really. Some days I feel guilty for the time I take away from my family. Rich is incredibly supportive of me in every way. Not only does he watch the boys all day so I can chase my dreams at school, but he sacrifices the free time we do have together so I can go do hours of training for a measly sprint triathlon. And when I get back from one of those two events, he's off to work. Most nights I'm fast asleep before he gets home. My family makes huge sacrifices for me, and I never want to take that for granted. I never want to take my babies, and the fact that they will only be such cute little babies for a short period of time, for granted.
Then, there is the guilt I feel over NOT feeling guilty. How's that for a head scratcher? Seriously, most of the time I do not feel guilty for taking the time to pursue this hobby. It's good for my health, mentally and physically, and both of those aspects not only benefit me but my they benefit my family as well. A happy mom equals a happy family, right? My boys are young. Yes, they notice when I'm not there, but not nearly like they would if they were older, and I was missing a soccer game to go to class, or a science fair because I have a training run. I'd rather this chaos now rather than later. And after all, it is this healthy lifestyle that allows me to go to school and work all day, run for an hour or two, and STILL have the energy to chase my kids in circles, build lego spaceships and Thomas the Tank engine train tracks, and giggle over hide and seek games. Who can feel guilty about that? But , it is written somewhere in the mom handbook that if you dont' feel guilty for doing something for yourself, then you are doing something wrong. I think I ripped that page out and burned it, but it still lingers in the back of my head.
The realistic mom in me tells me to wait this Ironman dream out. Kain, my baby, will go off to college when I'm still at the ripe young age of 44. I'll have an empty house and PLENTY of time to sit on the bike trainer all damn day if I choose. Until then, I have babies to raise and an income to bring in, not to mention a college degree to finally finish earning. But the true Heather, the one with the crazy competitive personality, the one who has always thrown the realistic ideas out the window, can't stop thinking about it. Yeah, I want to do this first sprint triathlon just to do a triathlon. But I'd be lying if I didn't say it's really only the first step in a much bigger picture for me. I like to make 5 year plans, and in my 5 year plan, I see a 140.6 finish line.
The realistic mom in me realizes that 99% of you are going to tell me that I have plenty of time, that I will get there one day, and that I need to focus on the here and now. And I get that, and appreciate your comments in advanced. But what I'm really looking for are the other 1% of you...the IronMOMS and DADS, to tell me how you do it. Tell me if you struggle with these thoughts too. Tell me how you do it.
Alas, the reality truck didn't cause any permanent damage. A little feeling of temporary defeat, maybe, but in all honesty I wouldn't change my situation for anything. My kids are the greatest blessing I have ever been given, and I will make sure they always know that. And for now, I'll keep moving forward, but I have a feeling there is only one cure for this fever. And it isn't more cowbell...
**THANK YOU so much for all of the kind words and support so far! I just wanted to add, before anyone thinks I'm totally off my rocker, that this Ironman business wouldn't begin until I am done with school (1.5 more semesters to go!)
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24 comments:
Heather--I can only speak from my IM experience. I did it almost 11 yrs. ago, before kids. I cannot imagine doing it w/the kids. It's so time consuming, not to mention exhausting. I didn't have a lot left to give at the end of the day. But...there are plenty of people who manage it. My two cents--if you can wait until the kids are in school and schedule one that takes place during the school yr (early fall/late spring) it would probably be easiest. Whatever you decide, make the decision and don't look back.
I think you are amazing and inspiring to do all the things you do already!! I think you can do it and I don't have any experience to speak from except the mommy part, and I know that at the end of the day if your happy it is so much easier to make your family happy! So chase down your dreams and catch them! I hope it all works out for you.
I haven't done an IM, but I did do a HIM in October. I have a 2 and 4 yr. old and finding time for the training was difficult, to say the least. My husband was very supportive and enjoyed his "alone" time with the boys on the weekends when I would do my long run on Sat/long bike on Sunday, but it was a lot to ask of him.
I went through periods of feeling guilty/not guilty too. It was something I wanted to do for myself, but it is definitely a balancing act. If you can find the right balance, then you're set! I agree with misszippy though....make the decision and don't look back!
I, too, feel guilty for not feeling guilty over the kiddos and their activities while I trained. But I alway said, and still do even when they're old enough to not need a sitter, is that I am a better person all around if I can run.
I have a friend who is 26 with 3 little kiddos at home training for her first ironman in St. George, UT this summer. Here's her blog if you want to follow her journey:
www.triathlon-mom.blogspot.com
(if that doesn't work, let me know and I'll find the right one). She's also on Facebook and posts a lot of inspirational things: Leslie Allan Howlett
as a mom of 2 kidz who *hearts* tri's, I too feel guilty about not feeling guilty taking away from family.
But I also am pretty stoked on training and performing well in the sprint/OD and maybe 1/2 IM distances.
oh, and I'm also lately REALLY feeling the pangs that my kids are growing up so fast... i wanna soak it up (they're 4 at the moment). I know this all doesn't help your cause but I'm tellin you my end..;-)
No IM here either ... in fact I've only started running the last year or so. But in another life, when my three boys were 5, 3 and 1 I was represented NZ in rifle shooting which involved lots of training, lots of Dad looking after the kids etc ... I wouldn't change that time in my life for the world and now the kids are older they're definitely not scarred and in fact proud of a mother who accomplished such things ... with the boys its good for them to see that women aren't just housewifes/money earners/picker upers, hopefully it will mean they treat their future wives with respect, with my two girls, I hope it shows them that women CAN do what they want and have dreams and goals, and accomplish them. I admit, training for a marathon now, I can't see how I would have done it a few years ago when the kids were smaller, they are 18 to 8 now, big enough to usually have a teenager at home to look after the younger ones when I go out for a run. But it IS a juggle, this Sunday I have a long run to fit in around dropping Mr 18yo off to college (leaving home!) and Mr 14yo has a rep cricket match for me to watch ... but I'll fit it somehow. I don't think anytime in a mothers life is a "good" time with the kids ... its what is in your heart and your drive at that time in your life, honestly, life has an amazing way of being able to fit it all in :) I've probably rambled way to long, but hopefully some of it makes sense!
In my head there is a dream-like utopian world where everything runs smoothly. In my life there is reality where crap happens. Sometimes I see glimpses of Utopia but most of the time not. And guilt!! Guilt comes to all women the moment they become pregnant. All you can do is try to juggle all your balls at once and when some of them fall, regroup, pick them up and start again.
Hi Heather, I'm not a Mum yet, so I can't offer much advice, sorry.
I'd like to tell you though - I think it's amazing that you juggle so much and I think you're setting an amazing example for your kids. You should be so proud of yourself.
Here is my perspective on it. I haven't done a full IM, but I did a HIM this past September when my twins were 3 years old. The HIM took a lot of training. I was not only training about 1 1/2 - 2 hours each work day, going to work, trying to be with the family as much as I could when I could, and then I trained the majority of one of the weekend days and then the ice baths and naps ate up the rest of that day. Training for an IM is more of a time commitment than that. The question should not be whether you can do it because reading your blog I know that you can do anything you put your mind to. The question is do you really want to - look at the time you will have to spend training, the time away from the family, the time you have to put in for work and/or school, etc. And then if the answer is yes, plan it out, do it and don't look back! I had immense feelings of guilt with how much I was gone and while my husband was supportive he also got a bit cranky at times because I was gone so much. But I can tell you that crossing that HIM finish line was one of the best experiences of my life. We're Moms and we're taught that we have to take care of our families but we often forget that if Momma's not happy then nobody's happy. I dream of the IM too, but for me I'm at least waiting until the girls are a bit older - who knows maybe they'll want to train a little with me when I'm ready to tackle it...
Well, I'm not the 1%. I'm a mom of 3 kids here to tell you that it doesn't get any easier as they get older. I would miss soccer games and baseball games and homework...
I find you an inspiration as you are now. I'm proud that you have the two voices in your head...I'd be concerned if you only had one of them really.
I struggle with mommy guilt no matter what. It is the one part of mommyhood that I wasn't prepared for! We feel guilty over everything.
This may be the time in your life to do it....life will get more hectic and busy. If you can figure out how to train now, then do it!!!!! You don't know what the future will bring and if you can figure it out now why wait!
In the end, you have to make the decisions for yourself and figure out how to fit it in your life!
I fully understand the guilt and the guilt of not feeling guilty. I have a 2-year old and constantly feel guilty about leaving him at daycare an extra hour to get a run in each day or taking off for long runs and races on weekends. The world makes me feel guilty for having a "career" and institutionalizing him to begin with. So I guess guilt is just part of the mom package no matter what you are training for--perhaps that is part of being a good parent? But giving up your life and your dreams does not make you a better parent.
I think that as long as your schedule is not so jam-packed that you are too exhausted to enjoy your down time with the family and if you are happy, go for it. Quality is more important than quantity. It just seems to me from your posts that you may not be home all the time, but you are there when they need you most.
Regardless of your decision, you inspire and motivate me. You make me strive to be a better mom and a better athlete and just maybe a student (again). And you are setting a wonderful example to not only your children, but to women and girls who don't believe that they can truly accomplish anything if they apply themselves.
Finally, I love the koala analogy!
TOTALLY with you on the guilt and no guilt and subsequent guilt from no guilt.
I have lots to say on this but probably too much for here! :) If you want to chat more I'd be happy to at saraziemnik at earthlink dot net
Bottom line is that you could do it. I have done an IM, but not an IM with kids. I think 70.3s are just better for my lifestyle and I don't have any desire to do IM right now, but then again I got it out of my system for a bit, you know? I have several friends and teammates that IM with kids, and if you have a supportive team and realistic expectation (ie. NOT training 20 hours a week, and NOT setting unrealistic time goals for your life at that MOMENT), it is possible. Some people need more hours to train than others (which is me), and that's why I'm happy with the 70.3s and marathons for now.
I hope that helps--I've taken up enough room already! :)
i'm not a mom... but i think you should go for it :) chasing dreams is important! i think it would be doable... very crammed and scheduled to a "t" but doable. i would think you could chat with hubs about it and work it out. since he knows how important this is to you, he'd be supportive of a few crazy months of training. you can always make the 'deal' of doing one and then taking a break and focusing on the fam, giving him the opportunity to do something he wants to do too.
you can do rides on the trainer with the kids playing nearby, swim at the pool if the gym has daycare?, let the kids ride their bikes with you on your runs (if they're old enough?).
again, i know i'm no mom and i know life is way hectic with kiddos, but i know how you feel and i would want to do everything possible to cross this dream off the list! good luck deciding and figuring it out.
What a wonderfully honest blog, Heather. You really take on so much and I think that everything you are feeling is natural. Life sure is a balancing act, and you are doing a heck of a job at it! Don't give up on your Ironman dream-- you WILL do it!
Guilt seems to be part & parcel of motherhood, no matter what you do.
I've only done marathon training with the kids, & can't imagine getting a full IM training in with them right now. BUT, my little one starts kindergarten in the fall, so maybe...
Just remember, that talk was probably geared to college students who are mothers & wives. You have a unique (for a student) talent to time manage. You can juggle and squeeze and fit it all in. Because your a mom and that's what we do.
Believe me I understand motherhood guilt. But its good for the boys to spend time with Dad with out you. They get to bond.
I have recently found your blog and enjoy reading it because I also try to balance being an athlete and a mom. I have four children ages 3 to 9 and have trained for and completed a variety of races from 1/2 marathons, marathons, sprint tris, to 2 HIMs last year. It takes a patient husband and creative problem solving, but it can be done.
I have done tempo work at the track with my children playing in the grassy field in the middle. I have gone to the beach with another friend who watched my kids as well as hers (8 in total) while I practiced open water swimming.
I too have IM dreams and plan to take the plunge in 2011. I think the key is to figure out what is your goal for each race. The level of training needed to complete is far different than the level of training to compete.
Good luck in your training! I look forward to reading about your adventures.
I don't have any advice for you because I don't have little ones running around the house yet, but I can tell you that every time I have a little panic attack thinking that I won't be able to do it all one day I only have to look to you for inspiration.
I'm still waiting on kiddo #1 (8 weeks and counting), but from everything I've read from you as well as many other running, swimming & biking mommies - A HAPPY MOMMY DOES MAKE FOR A HAPPY HOME.
Think of what a wonderful example you are to your children of setting goals and putting in the work necessary to achieve those goals. Nothing of value ever comes easy (unless I win the lottery I so richly deserve)and I think you're doing an excellent job.
We have this conversation in person and I am still of the mindset that Ironman is possible but if you are going to do it before the boys are in high school, it will take 100% support from Rich and 100% commitment to getting your workouts in "in between time" - think early mornings, late nights (before and after work/school). Having done an Ironman myself this past year and having nobody to worry about except my husband, I struggled considerably with how "selfish and self-centered" you MUST BE simply to train consistently. I imagine that you will have that same struggle - amplified by 3. Everything you do that year will be centered around how it effects your training for the Ironman - it's the nature of the beast. Now the SILVER LINING: You are going into a career field where you could potentially make your own hours. That could be a HUGE BENEFIT when you decided to tackle 140.6 because you may be able to plan your long run and long rides during the week while the boys are at school and between clients. Leaving you to do shorter workouts on the weekends and still have plenty of family time. Your biggest challenge will be finding balance but that comes with time and experience! Remember Sister: FEAR NO DISTANCE! Oh and make sure you give me enough time to book the flights to Kona so that Jim and I can chill with Rich and the boys on Ala-hi Drive...
I think you are inspiring for 1) wanting to shout for such amazing challenges 2) really thinking about the options and the impact it will have on your whole family. It is easy to be blind to others when you love/want something so badly!
With all the consideration you are giving it I know you WILL do it. It's just when?
Whenever you do it. Go for it! It sounds like your family will completely support you!
Coming from a 48 year old widow with 2 teenagers, I say go for it, at least for a half ironman! If your husband is supportive and you train when he can keep the kids, then your time away from them is not wasted. My husband died when my kids just turned 5 and 7 and I wished I had turned the kids over to him more often so they would have more experiences with him to remember. Plus they learn from him and he from keeping them!
I just did my first IM in November. Married w/ a new puppy. My husband and I lived apart for most of the year due to his job. That meant we saw each other weekends when I was out doing century rides, etc. Point is, sometimes the time is never the right time but I really think you have to go for your dreams when you dream them. Sometimes I'd miss a long ride or run because I really needed husband time instead. Of course you'll make those sacrifices along the way.
I'm a little crazy but during training I sometimes worried, what if I get hit by a bus and die before November 7? I wanted to live my dream. Carpe Diem!
Yes, a new puppy is not the same as 2 cute kids, but wow I felt guilty leaving her sometimes. We put her in daycare and that made me and her happy. We got a bike trailer so I could take her on some rides. There are a lot of things you can do so that your workout doesn't mean alone time. Get a stroller to run with so the kids are with you. Do rides on the trainer while the kids play in the same room. I am really impressed with the parents who do IMs but now that I've done one I realize that you don't really have to put in quite as many hours as you think.
I've been a little slow on the uptake this week, so it took me a while to get to this post. :)
"The realistic mom in me tells me to wait this Ironman dream out. Kain, my baby, will go off to college when I'm still at the ripe young age of 44. I'll have an empty house and PLENTY of time to sit on the bike trainer all damn day if I choose."
I can soooo relate to this. It's not that I'm going to do an Ironman, but it wasn't until after 40 that I realized I too could do things for me, such as a marathon. It does make it easier when your kids are more grown up and independent. You do have time. I'm still waiting to have the house to myself, though. LOL.
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