One of my distinguishing characteristics is the fact that I am incredibly stubborn. I'm betting a good deal if it is blamed upon genetics (I've heard my Great Grandmother was a feisty one!) Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that once I get my mind set on something, I get tunnel vision. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes this is a bad thing. Running and my stubbornness have a love/hate relationship. It is my stubbornness that gets me out there for long runs. It's my stubbornness that wakes me up at 5:00 am regardless of how many times the baby woke up that night. It is my stubbornness that drives my competitiveness, that makes me want to run faster and further.
It is also my stubbornness that is driving me into the ground. A crash and burn waiting to happen.
I missed my 20 miler yesterday morning. I woke up, hot/feverish, slightly dizzy, and exhausted. This week was crazy between school, work, boot camp, running, and the kids. I sat up from 5:00-5:30 a.m. and then gave myself permission to go back to bed. But when I woke up a few hours later, I totally beat myself up over missing the run. I was grouch/mopey all day long over it, until Rich called me from work saying he switched shifts so I could go for my long run Sunday morning. What a guy. I was happy again.
Well, as it turns out, my body had different ideas, as I slept in once again. I woke up at 7:00, scrambled around thinking I might be able to sneak out anyways, and just as I was about to leave...the baby started crying. As of late, little Kain has become a mama's boy. And feeling bad for Rich who had a rough night at work last night...I gave in. I took the baby.
So much for the 20 miler. But I already had my sneakers on and was ready to roll, so I changed the baby's diaper, grabbed his breakfast, and strapped him in the jogger. I am not that dedicated of a runner that I can do a long run with the jogger. It's totally mental, not a physical thing: I just don't enjoy the jogging stroller for more than a few miles. And you have to somewhat enjoy your run if you are going to make it 3+ hours!
My little man and I got in a 4 miler in the drizzling rain. He baby babbled and I did some thinking. Why do I beat myself up so much about my running? Why do I feel like I have to do as many marathons as I can as soon as I can? Why do I feel like I have to be super mom and squeeze everything I possibly can into every free second I have?
Oh that's right. Because I'm stubborn.
Don't get me wrong, the reason I want to do so much is because I LOVE it. I love to run. I LOVE to race. I love to work out. I (sort of) love school. I obviously love being a mom more than any of this. And I love pushing myself to be the best that I can be. But it appears I have reached a breaking point where I'm realizing the important concept of quality over quantity.
Am I hitting that end of marathon training wall where we sometimes start to break mentally? Probably. I'm still so new at long distance, I imagine it takes a while to get used to this mileage, both mentally and physically. Either way. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically. And I remembered some awesome advice I had been given the last time I hit a running slump. When running quits being "fun"...take a step back .
I love running. I love what it does for me and the way it makes me feel; the way those endorphins carry me through the rest of the day, helping me to excel in work, school, and even motherhood. So when that same running is starting to hurt those same aspects in my life...well it's time to re-evaluate. I am not Deena Kastor nor Paula Radcliffe. My livelihood does not depend on my running. But my babies, they depend on me for everything. They are counting on me to continue to excel in school, have a successful career, and create the best possible future for them. They are my everything. I want to be my best for them.
Oh priorities, does this mean I'm a real grown up now? haha
So I will get my 22 miler in next weekend. A 12 miler the weekend after that, and then the following weekend I will run the Baltimore Marathon, and I will have fun, no matter what my finishing time, or my pace, or how many times I have to stop and walk. This weekend, I will finish resting, and studying for my exercise physiology exam and killer statistics exam, both on Tuesday. And everything will be alright.
Marathons aren't going anywhere, and I will complete my 50 states. I'm not writing off the distance (I still have two full marathons in the next two months!) It's just more realistic to continue challenging that distance when I am finished with school, and have two kids that actually sleep through the night. There's no shame in half marathons, no doubt about that :)
Thanks for listening to me ramble, friends. Sometimes writing is almost as therapeutic as running, haha. But, onto some more exciting, not so dramatic news: my 100th post giveaway! I was amazed at all of the response I got for this one! I had no idea there were so many of you reading my blog! Awesome! Thanks for joining! And a HUGE THANK YOU!!! to those of you who donated to my TEAM FIGHT page for the Ulman Cancer Fund for young adults . It means so much to me that you would help out! Many kudos to you! Ok now on with it:
The winner of the "be your own nutrition experiment" 100th post
giveaway is: N.D. @ Lil Runner !! Yay congrats Natalie!! Natalie is a fellow running mama to adorable baby Nicholas (see right...i love that picture!) She ran the Boston Marathon as a part of the Dana Farber Marathon Challenge just 10 weeks after baby Nicholas was born! Awesome! So if you get a chance, swing by her blog and tell her hi! She's also selling a bunch of yummy baked goods to help continue her fundraising and meet her goal, so be sure to check that out!
Next up on the exciting Run Faster Mommy giveaway (bet you didn't know there would be a 103rd post giveaway!) is an awesome giveaway from Run U Mother. Be sure to check back in early this week!
Happy Running Friends!
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22 comments:
I am glad that I am not the only person who struggles with balancing everything and trying to do everything great. You are doing a great job. Hope your rest was good :)
Congrats to you for listening to your body and getting that much needed rest! You are setting a great example for your kids by modeling THAT, too. Now that your body has had some recoop time, I bet you'll fall right back into next week's long run without much trouble (especially with 2 big tests behind you - good luck with those!). Wishing you many, many miles of HAPPY running!!
So smart for listening to your body. You've got all the training behind you...plus all the stubbornness we all need to get through a marathon. I think we all must be stubborn to do this...so we can all relate to what you are feeling. I'm hoping that whatever my body tells me in the next 3 weeks my mind is smart enough to listen to. I think taper is the worst time for us stubborn gals.
Ah priorities...I find that they change sometimes. usually my first, second and third stay the same but those after that switch spots. It's ok! Great job!
Amanda
balance is difficult. I think you're getting much closer to achieving it, though, then I ever did when my kids were that small.
Great job getting out there and getting in a run, even if it was the 20 miler. I love the pictures!
Hey Heather, thanks for your note - it's nice to know that there are some other younger Peter, Paul, and Mary junkies out there :)
Good luck with the final weeks of Baltimore training! I'm doing Steamtown, which I think is the same weekend.
You are not alone in wanting to be great at everything. I think it's a disease that all mother's catch at childbirth. Good for you taking a rest when your body tells you too.
HI! Thanks for stopping by. I know what you mean about the whole running love/hate thhing! I didn't run much this week cause I was sick and I just can't stand it! Only 7 miles ,I usually run 12-15! You are an amazing momy and runner! 2 narathons coming up? You rock!!!
I started training for my 1/2 when the twins were 7 weeks old and I think my Hubby would kill me if I did it again any time soon so I am sticking to 5k but now I'm going to win one! Oh the love!!
oh and of course your baby is adorable!!!!
i totally struggle with this too. i am way to hard on myself and i am definitely stubborn too! it's hard to not get really really excited about goals to where you work them up in your mind that you HAVE to do it or you are a "failure". well, that's how it works for me anyway. make peace with yourself. running is not the world, we will survive!
hope you had a good rest of the weekend!
Thanks for the great giveaway and shoutout Heather. I am feeling just like you right now. Why do I put all this pressure on myself - I kind of want to do well! But find it hard to be as hardcore as I used to be. I think you'll be fine for the marathon and just finishing is going to be a great accomplishment (but I know, not good enough). You'll get in the last 2 weeks and do great! Hang in there!
Sometimes it helps just to get it off our chests!
Moms like you amaze and inspire me. I have a hard enough time getting out there sometimes and then I think of people like you who are working, going to school and being full time parents!
kudos to you for being smart... and listening to your body. The pics are all great :)
"Why do I beat myself up so much about my running? Why do I feel like I have to do as many marathons as I can as soon as I can? Why do I feel like I have to be super mom and squeeze everything I possibly can into every free second I have" WOw those words go through my mind all the time...I chalk it up to being ambitious and Competitive..
Your BABY is soooo CUTE! WOW!! Amazing how we find the time to balance it all. There are weeks when the fatigue of the body and mind take over. Often giving in to the fatigue for even a short time is enough to recharge.
Best of luck in the weks to come..
You're RIGHT. Running and writing are both therapeutic. Don't beat yourself up (but I get it...cuz I would do the same thing!). You WILL be successful.
PS - Pic of your cutie in the jogger is absolutely priceless!
I think most runners ARE stubborn. :)
Cute pictures!
A beautiful post! And I can relate to the sometimes having to take a step back and remember: running is fun.
http://www.momshomerun.blogspot.com
I can so relate to this post. It's so hard balancing everything and when one of the things that makes your heart soar is no longer fun, then you have to re-evaluate.
This is actually an issue I'm planning to blog about if I ever have more than five minutes to think.
MCM Mama
Thanks for sharing, Heather! I did my 22.5 miler on Sunday, longest distance I have ever run, and I cried the last 2.5 miles. Totally sucked, and I was so emotional the rest of the day. I am having a lot of the same thoughts you expressed in this post. Why am I doing this?? Anyway, thanks for the inspiration and it is nice to know I am not crazy.~~Stacy in Columbia, SC. stacyowings.blogspot.com
OMG, it's like i'm reading ME! i'm so with you on the stubborn thing, the beating myself up thing, the trying to run as many races/marathons as possible as soon as possible. i want it all.. and then i get injured! ha. but it's good to know i'm not alone. you rock! and good for you not giving up.
I am so jealous of your stoller. I tried to order one but they won't deliver to South Africa..... Drat.
I totally believe in listening to your body. Although at the moment it is on a go slow.
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