weak.

Vacation was a ton of fun, but I'm not going to lie, it wasn't very relaxing. I spent the 9 days chasing my kids around the lodge, making sure they didn't eat small objects, fall down the staircase, or generally destroy the place. Don't get me wrong, my family was a huge help with the boys, but traveling anywhere with two kids under three years of age is just exhausting! Not to mention the baby didn't take to actually "sleeping" in his pack-n-play until about day four or five.

I only squeezed in two-three mile runs in New York. No one's fault but my own. So it was imperative that I got my 13 mile run in this weekend.

It didn't happen.

First plan was for Saturday morning. Kain was up all night with a fever (that eventually broke), so I post-poned the run for today, Sunday morning. Once again my sweet children must have known I had early morning plans, because neither one of them slept last night. I take that back...both of them fell asleep at 6:00 p.m., which should have been my first clue of the impending disaster. They normally fall asleep between 9:00 and 10:00 pm. So, needless to say, starting at 11:00 pm, both were up on and off for the rest of the night. Kain wanted a bottle, then Rowen wanted a sippy (not surprising since they both slept through dinner). An hour later, Kain needed a diaper change, then 30 minutes later Rowen needed a diaper change. Kain was generally pissed to be stuck in his crib when he wanted to crawl the halls about 2:00 am and let me know it by screaming.

*sigh*

I hit snooze 3 times at my 5:15 am wake up call, before finally rolling out of bed. I stumbled around the house frankly dreading this run. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically. But I put on my running gear and headed out the door.

Long story short, I made it one mile, yes one mile down the road before I turned around and came back home. My brain was screaming at me , I just wanted lay down in the road and go to sleep. I tried so hard to shut the "voices" up and push through. But I just couldn't. My legs weren't tired. My lungs weren't tired. But my head just wasn't there, and refused to show up for the run.

I've trained my body, but mentally, I'm still weak. I'm weak and I'm pissed, because I'm now two weeks behind on my long runs.

I read in another blog a while back, the question "are you a mom who runs or a runner who has kids?" I think I fall somewhere in between. I strive to be a good runner, a strong athlete. I'm not going to break any records or win any races, but I aspire to be disciplined and strong. Someone who likes to race and throw down some age group wins and P.R.'s, not just a "I run a few miles everyday to stay in shape" kinda mom.

I promised myself after my first baby that I would never let motherhood be an "excuse" for anything, especially for my health. And so I am torn between knowing that my babies are still so very young and it won't always be this way, and getting pissed at myself for sometimes giving up (like today) and not being strong.

So, since at least 75% of my readers are running moms, share your secrets with me. How do you persevere? I can't be the only one who wasn't blessed with babies that slept through the night from 8 weeks on. How do you push yourself on those days you just absolutely can not get into your workout? And even those of you without kids, how do you shut that voice up when it's telling you to turn around, go home, and crawl into bed?

Also, has anyone read "Brain Training for Runners" ? I think I'm going to head down to Barnes and Noble today and see if they carry it...