Believe

It's amazing how much your life can change in a week and a half when you change the way you look at your life.

I can't believe it's only been 10 days since I wrote the last post, because those last 10 days have felt like a lifetime. A lifetime of weight lifted off of my shoulders, a lifetime of making up for lost smiles and laughter. Catching up with old friends, appreciating all that God has blessed me with. Meeting new people, trying new things, new opportunities, and accomplishing things I only hoped to one day do.  Realizing that I may not be where I expected to be at this very moment, but having the faith to know I'm exactly where I need to be right now.

Life is so good.

Off to California for a weekend of friends and of course, running.  And then all things "Heather-rambling-about-running" will return.

Thank you for your constant love and support, you guys rock <3

Epic.

Other than bad movies or finish lines, endings are almost never fun.

When I left SC 3 months ago, I knew what I was doing. I knew what I was leaving behind: a broken relationship, likely beyond repair.  I was hurt, I was angry, I was bitter, however, my heart held out hope that something, anything, could be salvaged.  And after a glimmer of hope just a few weeks ago that it truly would work out, this past week I realized without a doubt, it was over.  Forever.

And that shattered my heart.

It's a horrible feeling to lose someone who was once your best friend and your everything. In the moment as you begin to grasp what is really happening, you can only remember the amazing times.  And we had so, so many.  Careless days spent surfing or wandering Cape Hatteras. Nights on the beach watching fireworks, or dates over SouthWestern egg rolls.  So much laughter, so much fun, so much love.

 And then you add in kids.

Two amazing human beings created out of love. The thought of my little family unit being split up left me reeling. Once you have children together your relationship takes on a whole new meaning that no one can understand UNTIL they are in that position.  You would die for your family.

All of these thoughts had me spinning into a deep dark place where I could not remember all of the bad times, all of the times he left me feeling so alone, all of the times I wished for so much more, knew I deserved so much more, all of the times I looked for a way out, but instead I could only remember the love, and in that moment, I felt like I might truly die of heartache.  I felt betrayed and I felt given up on. I lost 10 lbs in 6 days. I slept a total of 8 hours in 6 days. I forgot all of the amazing things life has to offer, because I felt so truly miserable and hopeless.

It's a tough place to come out of.

 My wise older sister reminded me yesterday that sometimes two people just were not meant for each other. It's no one's fault and both of their faults all at the same time. But you can only fight that for so long before you have to throw your hands up in the air and admit this is probably for the best.

And after a week of torturing myself with all of the "what if's", yesterday I seemed to hit my breaking point. It was both the worst and the best day ever.  Because after I hit what was thankfully (and hopefully) rock bottom...I finally accepted that it was over.  And when I did, I started to remember all of the things that made me so bitter, that made me push away, and I remembered all of the things I did want out of a relationship that I wasn't getting, and would never get out of this one.  I realized all of the things that *I* did wrong as well, and take that as a lesson for the future.

And today, like a tiny sprout raising out of the ashes, I finally feel truly hopeful and ready for a fresh start.  I've been ready for it for so long, but too scared to let go of the past to actually take that step towards getting it.  Therefore, I can't get mad at you for doing exactly what I hoped to do all along, and that is to move on.

The last 7 years were a whirlwind of chaos, it's no surprise we self destructed. It brought out the worst in both of us. But at the end of the day the truth is,  you simply can not change nor hold on to the past. All you can do is say thank you, learn from it, and move on.

Thank you for all of the amazing memories. I will never let the bitterness for the bad times cloud the love that was real.

Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself.

Thank you, in all of this, for reminding me with both your love, support and your betrayal and hurt, to keep fighting for what *I* want out of my life.

Thank you, more than words could EVER express, for these beautiful, beautiful babies.

Grudges are bad for the soul, and my life is too amazing to cloud it with that sort of negativity. I truly believe you can't hold anger in your heart for someone you once loved so much.

 So cheers to the good times, it was one hell of a ride. I truly wish you nothing but the best.

Step Four: Respect the Distance

Run Faster Mommy's Unofficial Guide to Training for an Ultra Marathon: Step Four

by Heather, who has in fact, never run an (official) ultra marathon. 

Long distance running reminds me of being pregnant.   It seems so chic, such a novel idea when you first get started.  Sure I'll sacrifice the next 9 months to grow another human life, babies are so darn cute!  The idea is so magical.  Even the first few months of morning sickness can't seem to take away the excitement of a new life.  The ultrasounds that bring on happy tears. Picking out the adorable teeny tiny outfits.  Babyshowers!  Oh the fun!!

 And then fast forward to 39 weeks pregnant, you are miserable, your body is no longer your own, you can't tie your shoes or sleep or button your pants or go 15 minutes without needing to pee.  That adorable little human being you are housing is more like a parasite, giving you mega heartburn & taking up so much room you can hardly breathe or even sit comfortably or even eat much,  and you find yourself wondering "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!" (among wondering how on earth you can seek revenge on your significant other,  now only referred to as "the man who did this to me!!!")  Or, if this is not your first rodeo, you say "What on earth compelled me to do this AGAIN? How could I have forgotten how much this sucks?  (Can you tell I really didn't enjoy pregnancy very much?)

But almost without fail, once 6 months have passed, you seem to only remember the good parts. Seeing your baby for the first time.  Looking into their adorable eyes.  How amazing it was to bring a new life into this world.  None of the other gory, painful, miserable details.  I think God blessed us with this short term pregnancy memory so that life would continue on. Otherwise, women would never have more than one baby in a lifetime.

Long (long) distance running is the same for me. Somewhere around the 22 mile mark, without fail, my legs decide they are done.  It becomes a battle of the wills between my cardiovascular system and my muscular system. My heart and lungs are trucking along in zone 2, calm and happy as can be, when my legs start to whine and protest.  Heart and lungs are like "dudes, really?  You want to give up ALREADY? We're just getting warmed up!" and my legs, not ones for confrontation, simply quit.  I will them to go on further, while every single step forward feels like tiny gnomes stabbing my legs with their tiny pitchforks.

It's around this point in the run where I remember "oh that's right, marathons are NOT easy".  Something about being able to say "Oh yeah, I've run 6 marathons, I'm a marathon maniac" seems to numb my mind of the actual process of running a marathon and how it's not nearly as fantastic, fun, and easy as you remember.

Just like childbirth.

Yesterday I rang in New Years day by running, A LOT.   Thanks to you guys responding to the challenge I put forth on my last post,  together we raised $1,175.50 !!! That (combined with the money from the virtual run, still to be posted) put me over my $3,800.00 fundraising goal! Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I honestly didn't expect so many of you to reach out a helping hand! I'm honored to "know" all of you.

So as promised, I went to bed at 8:30 pm New Years Eve,  woke up at 4:00 am New Years Day, with every intention to run 40 miles. I ate my breakfast, geared up, and at 5:00 am stepped outside ready to go...took my first step onto the road....

....and then I nearly landed on my face.  Black Ice. Son of a monkey.  It had been raining the day before, but my dad assured me that the low hanging fog would keep the ground and air "warm" (remember, warm is relative here, so that simply means "not freezing").  Sure enough, the temps dropped to about 29 degrees.  So I decided to wait until the sun came up so I could at least see this ice.

7:30 am.  The fog was so thick I thought it would never be light out. But finally I could see ...at least a few feet in front of me...so I geared back up and headed out the door.  And skated down the road once again.  *&%$.  I was really pissed. I had hoped to have this run done by mid afternoon, and every hour that ticked by really ruined my plans.  Mother Nature does not care for plans, however, so I went back inside, got under my Snuggie on the couch....and fell asleep. 4 am is an early wake up call!

Somewhere around 10 am, as I was moping and my family poking fun at me (Dad says "Oh, you're done with your run already?!") mom came to the rescue informing me the temperature was pushing 40. FINALLY.  So I jumped outside and tested the roads.  Sure enough, the ice was gone.

And thus, the great run of New Years Day 2012 began.

The best part about this run was having the most awesome aid station available: Moms house.  A kitchen full of food and a warm, clean bathroom.  Oh and a closet full of my clothes, which would come in handy.  The first 20 miles of the run were relatively uneventful.  I thought I would be bored to tears on a solo run of this distance but I really enjoyed my time. I wasn't racing so I hardly glanced at my pace. In fact, I even willed myself to do a run walk (5 minutes run/1 minute walk) as to not burn my legs out too soon.  Because let's be real, while I'm certainly in good shape, my legs were NOT up to marathon par, never mind in 40 mile ultra shape.  Conservative was the name of the game.

I thoroughly enjoyed my run. I thought a lot about why I was running. The loved ones lost, the survivors, and the ones battling cancer right now. I ran very thankful for my health and my legs.  I stopped and took pictures of some of the pretty New Hampshire sights, which ironically on this first day of 2012, were green and NOT covered in snow (believe me, I'm not complaining!)

No snow in New Hampshire!

...but we do have ice!

 And then, as I mentioned above, around 22 miles, the pain started.  I headed to the rail trails, hoping the softer dirt would be easier than the previous 22 miles of pavement, but to no avail.

This is when the rational part of my brain took over. The one who has been taught and understands the training principle of progression, yet chooses to ignore it. (Do as I say not as I do!) Clearly, this run today was a  prime example of the principle of diminishing returns....there comes a point where more is not better. In fact more HURTS.  It was getting cold and I was shivering despite my running. The sun was starting to go down and I knew my parents had an anniversary dinner they were planning on going to that night (remember, I was about 5 hours late on starting this run).  So I called the outdoor portion of my run quits at 24.69 miles.

And the rest is dread treadmill history.  Alright, only 8 more miles, after a LONG break. It's all I could slog out before deciding I've made my point, let's not be stupid and injure myself.  33 New Years Miles.

Which brings me to the point of this blog post:


Step Four: Respect the Distance. 

Yesterday I was torn between feeling darn proud of myself for running over a marathon distance on the first day of 2012, and feeling disappointed that I didn't run the 40 mile goal I had set out to do.   One thing I love about running is how humbling it is.   I've decided you can fake a marathon (I've shown up unprepared more than once, again do as I say  not as I do!) but nothing more than that.  As my I willed myself to make it "just one more mile" a few times last night, I thought to myself that there is no way on earth I will attempt this 50 miler if I can't keep solid, steady training up for the next 2 months.  You can't fake an ultra (or, at least these legs can't)

I dream of the day that a slow, steady, zone 2 marathon is "easy".  I remember when a half marathon was hard and now I can rattle one off without second thought or any soreness the next day.  I am in awe of my friends who have not only pulled off 100 mile runs, but pulled them off WELL.  Like my friend UlTara who consistently comes out on top of her races, or another running mom Stephanie who set a course record for females AND males at the Peanut Island 24 hour run yesterday.  It boggles my mind that the human body can run 100+ miles, when 25+ brings me to my knees.

One thing that utterly appeals to me about ultra running is how it's a race against your willpower.  I love road racing, don't get me wrong. But no matter how many times I say I'm NOT going to be competitive, I am.  I hated that Oprah ran her first marathon faster than I did (sorry Oprah). I am eluded by a Boston Qualifying time, and get mega jealous over those who pull off a BQ on their first try.   I can't stand showing up at a 5k if I can't place overall or AG.  It's never about me, but about me beating someone else, or in a marathon being as good as or faster than someone else.

But with an ultra, I honestly just want to see if I can do it.

I have no idea what is a "good time" for a 50k, 50M, 100k, 100M, etc.  I honestly don't have the faintest idea....and frankly...I don't care.   All I want to know is that my body and my mind are capable of the distance.  I think that would be the best prize of all.

And so, the journey continues... it's time to train hard, my friends.  Respect the distance. What's the point in pushing your body if you aren't going to give your body the best advantage right out of the gate?  Lesson learned.

 2012 is going to be amazing...

***edit***
Because of some comments below, I feel I should explain further. When I posted the challenge I never imagined it would amount to more than 10-15 miles. I've been fundraising since August and have had a hard time getting donations, the economy sucks and people understandably can't afford it. I was SHOCKED to see how many people donated when I posted this challenge. And so I said, what the heck, I'll see what I can do. No, 40 miles was NEVER in my radar. As I said, I NEVER expected it. As for walking the rest, when your body says stop, you stop. I stopped. A DNF in my book is much smarter than an injury. 


I am sorry if I disappointed anyone, as a commenter below expressed, or if anyone feels I "cheated" them out of donations.  Disappointing or deceiving my readers was never my intention here, and as runners themselves (and family & friends of cancer survivors & victims, or survivors themselves) I *truly* hope that the majority can appreciate what I was trying to do, with the best of intentions, and are not disappointed that I didn't hit a specific number. I honestly gave it my best, calling it quits when I knew it was what was best for my body.   Thanks for your ongoing support & understanding. <3

The (crazy runner) Plea

Alright here is the deal, kids... 

I have 14 days to raise the last $910.80 for the commitment I made to raise $3800 for Team in Training.

I appreciate ALL of the amazing support you have all given me throughout this journey, but I still have a big last leap to go.

So here's what I'm going to do:

For every $25 donated in the next 48 hours, I will run 1 mile New Years Day.  

So if I raise the rest of the minimum of $910.80, that's 36.4 miles. Snow, sleet, freezing temperatures, hangover, whatever New Years Day in New Hampshire brings me, I will run through it. 

Because yes, (I am THAT crazy & ) I HATE cancer THAT much. 

http://pages.teamintraining.org/vtnt/tinkerb12/runfastermommy

Not me, but I'm certain my "I hate running in snow" face
is more miserable, haha

So, how far do you want to see me go?  Spread the word, tell your friends.  I'll check back in Sunday afternoon with an official Garmin picture.

The funds raised go towards helping find cures and better treatments for leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma. With your support, I can help improve the quality of life for patients and their families as well.





Thank you for your constant support & love!  And please check out my friend Hope's blog post to see the results of our virtual "Lousy Medal" run!

edit:
***10:20 am update:  we are up to 4 miles...
***11:23 am update: 16 miles...
***3:48 pm update: 33.4 miles!!! Almost there!


PLEASE let me know if there is someone you would like to add to the "honor roll" list. I plan to run each mile in someone's memory or honor. Because running is a piece of cake compared to the fight so many have to put up against cancer...

Race to the Apocalypse

I write the post to you from the comforts of my brand new, bubblegum pink snuggie, the most amazing and heartfelt Christmas present I've ever received, picked out by my 5 year old son.  Yes, I actually requested this infomercial wonder, and I'm pretty sure it just about killed the little dude to NOT tell me what was in that box before I opened it on Christmas morning, as he was so excited to fulfil my request.   Christmas was exactly what I hoped it would be: I spent time with my family, watched the magic of "Santa" in my children's eyes, I ate a lot, drank too much, and enjoyed every second of it.  I hope you all had an equally as amazing holiday weekend.

So, you know, 2012 is just a few days away. According to the Mayans and Hollywood, we've only got one more year left before the great Apocalypse, so we better live it up.   And as I mentioned last week, LIVE is what I fully intend to do this year.

Buuutttttt I wouldn't be an obsessed runner without even a loose race schedule and/or fitness goals.  It is really fun to look back at the end of next year and see what you have checked off your list.  It's also fun(ny) to look back at the things you didn't even come close to attempting and wonder "what was I thinking?" as well as fill in the blanks with random things that you did accomplish that you never even dreamed of putting on the list.

And so, since the trend seems to be "blog your New Year goals", here goes nothing:


Fitness goals: 

-run 2012 miles.  Since it's 2012 and all.  Back up plan (in case of unforeseen stupid injuries at ridiculous mud runs because it's happened before) 1,012 miles.

-do a real pull-up.  Just one will do. Yes, I hope to march up to that assisted pull up weight machine, lift up the bench because I won't need it, and knock out a pull up, or even two. And feel totally bada$$ when I do.  (Don't laugh at my toothpick arms)


Race calendar: 

For me this year is all about going with the flow, both from a stress free point of view, and a now single mom who has to figure out child care and finances even more so than I did before point of view.   For the most part, race requirements are as follows:

Local (within 3 hours)  Cheap.  Race morning packet pickup is ideal (less time away from the kids, the better!)

I've been very blessed to have some of these races sponsored, which totally helps with the cost factor.  And even though my location parameters are small, there are A LOT more races in New England than I ever suspected.  So here's what I've got so far (only a few are set in stone)

1/29 Tinkerbell half marathon, Anaheim CA.  Ok that goes against all three of the above rules. But I committed before all of this chaos uprooted my whole world, so to CA I must go.  I feel kind of silly flying across the country right now, but at the same time, I know the fundraising has been for an amazing cause, and I can't wait to see one of my besties, Hope, and run through the West Coast version of the most magical place on earth!   Speaking of, I'm about $900 from my fundraising goals. I'm about to start begging ;) so if you are looking to make an end of the year charitable donation (and tax deduction!) please consider helping out. Let's kick cancer's a$$ together, for good!  http://pages.teamintraining.org/vtnt/tinkerb12/runfastermommy

3/3  Heather's 30th Birthday Ultra. Here in Keene. No packet to pickup.  No race entry fee.  Grandma will babysit as she rolls her eyes and worries that I've lost my mind (long time ago, ma).  The goal is 50 miles, but a 50K will suffice if  any extreme (though probably quite normal for this location) weather conditions appear (I'm a giant pansy in the snow).  Pacers wanted and welcome.  My mom makes a mean jello-cake.

4/21 Blue Ridge Marathon, Roanoke VA. They invited me, I couldn't pass it up.  Toughest road race in the world? Yes please!  This will be one of two "travel" races this year. Destination if you will, (sounds so fancy).  My only hope is to finish this beast in a respectable time.

5/6 New England Tough Mudder, Mt. Snow, VT.   I'm working on my ankle strength already.  I don't even know what to say, other than, I hope I don't die.  In a sick, twisted way, I can't wait for this challenge :)

5/27 Vermont City Marathon, Burlington VT.  Was totally bummed when I got hurt at the Warrior Dash back in 2010 and had to sit on the sidelines of this race. From what I saw as a spectator, it was a beautiful course with tons of crowd support. I'm excited, even for that mile long hill . I think this will be my "A" race of the year. Hoping to PR, even with the mountains

7/1 LoziLu Women's Mud Run, Boston MA.  A dailymile friend and his cohorts designed this race, and frankly I think it's a fantastic idea.  I'm certain a stark difference from the Tough Mudder, but tons of dirty fun all the same. I'm really looking forward to this one, and hoping I can round up some girlfriends to join me!!

9/30 Clarence DeMar Marathon, Keene NH.  How can you NOT run a marathon that runs through your hometown (and almost practically by your house?)  The answer is: you can not. So I'll be there.

Non fitness goals:

Live. Love.  Be the best mom I can be.  Do not let the past dictate my future. And be thankful, for each day is a blessing, and everyday has something beautiful in it, if only I choose to see it.  I promise to never forget that!

Happy New Year my friends, be SAFE this weekend!


I'd love to hear about your 2012 goals or races, feel free to share! 

Step Three

Run Faster Mommy's Unofficial Guide to Training for an Ultra Marathon: Step Three

by Heather, who has in fact, never run an ultra marathon. 

Step Three: Monogamous Relationships.

One of the unique things about my fitness journey (and the reason why I can never seem to log as many running miles as my peers) is my lack of an attention span for one single activity.  Some call it a lack of commitment. I call it being a free spirit.  I will find one thing I LOVE to do, and run with it (sometimes literally) until it bores me or the next new thing catches my eye. Running. Bootcamp. Insanity. Swimming.  It always comes back to running, but it seems I have fitness-wander-lust.

And so after a month of hard core mileage for this ultra training....I inadvertently cut my mileage back almost ten fold.  But not because I was being lazy.

Because I stumbled upon a new love.

Meet the Precor Adaptive Motion Trainer (AMT).  Handsome, isn't he?

As you might remember, when I moved here to New Hampshire I started working at the local YMCA as a Wellness Coach/trainer (which, by the way, I looooove!).  And two weeks ago, we moved from  a very, very, uhh...lets call it "well loved and utilized" (and like a hundred years old, and no I'm pretty certain I'm not exaggerating) building to a brand new, $15 million facility.  Therefore, over the last 2 weeks, in addition to logging work hours I've been logging some serious gym rat hours.  I can not lift enough it seems, and more so, I can not get enough of the AMT.  What the heck is this thing? Funny you should ask, I googled you a video (I swear this isn't a sponsored post, I just really love this thing)



Needless to say, logging 70+ miles a week, I have not.  Being perfectly able and in shape to run 20+ miles at a time, yet feeling like I may pass out and die after 30 minutes on this torture device? Check!  It's like a non stop uphill run that makes your quads burn and cry uncle.  It hurts. It's exhausting. I love it. Seriously the thighs in my jeans are getting tight, and it's not because of any hostess cupcakes.  All muscle, baby.

Alas, while I'm feeling stronger than ever, I did learn a thing or two in school.  Like the principle of specificity of training.   In other words, if you are going to run 50 miles at once you best practice running for a long, long time, or face impending doom (or stress fractures).

And so run for a long, long, time I must.  Cross training is stellar, but low impact only isn't going to help me one bit in this venture.

Plans have changed a little. I will no longer be able to attend the Mississippi 50 miler on my birthday weekend. Funds, kids, flights, you get the idea.  Instead I fully intend on running all 50 miles here in Keene, on my birthday (March 2nd.  So if you are in the area and feel up for a few, or 50, miles, come join the party.  I'm serious, my mom will make cupcakes. GU flavored even).  That leaves me 70 days to continue what I started.  Reel in that wander lust and focus Heather, focus.

Sorry AMT, but I'm already seeing someone else. His name is "run your a$$ off", and I believe we have a date.

Now, where'd I put that Garmin....?

Santa wears INKnBURN

Or at least he should, I highly doubt that jolly red suit is sweat wicking, and crossing the globe in 24 hours sounds like a lot of work. Talk about an "ultra"!

Seriously though, two lucky winners will get to choose the INKnBURN 4arms of their choice as an early Christmas present!

Thank you to all of you who entered 

A big congratulations to:

Patrick (I think that's your name?)

of Bourbonfeet 

aaaannnndd.... 

erindegroff of Skirts Rock!

Congrats to both of you! Email me at heathergannoe@gmail.com so I can get you in touch with INKnBURN to claim your 4 arms ! 

Once again a HUGE thank you to INKnBURN for this giveaway, and for creating an amazing clothing line for those of us who like to "distance" ourselves from the crowd.  

If you missed out on the first review, be sure to check it out...and don't forget to like them on facebook for updates on their latest products, like the new shin skins!  

Awesome photo courtesy of www.facebook.com/INKnBURN